Honesty on the Table: When (and How) To Talk About Sex In A New Relationship

Published on: May 1, 2025

Is there anything as nerve-wracking—and oddly hopeful—as the beginning of a new relationship? Everything is tinged with possibility. Bad dates and heartbreaks sit back in your memory as you feel the chemistry crackle through text and across late-night dinners. But if you’re anything like me, you know that those butterflies can easily turn to knots the moment the “sex talk” comes up.

Talking about sex in a new relationship can feel as risky as stepping out of your friend group and admitting you actually like pineapple on pizza. What if you’re disappointed? What if they’re disappointed? And how, exactly, do you say what you want without either coming on too strong or seeming like you don’t care? For years, I fumbled through this in my own relationships. Sometimes I waited too long, sometimes I blurted out way too much, and sometimes I avoided it altogether until someone wound up hurt or confused.

If this is familiar territory for you, you’re so not alone—and yes, there’s a gentler, more empowering way.

Timing: There’s No Perfect Moment (But There IS a Right One For You)

Let’s just lay it out: there is no one-size-fits-all first-talk moment. You don’t have to have the sex chat on the very first date. In fact, I’ve sat in front of enough half-finished cocktails to know that prying conversation when you’re not ready can leave you closing up rather than opening up.

But I’ve also seen what happens if you avoid it too long. Sometimes you find yourself ten dates in, racked with anxiety because no one knows where the other stands, which can make every touch loaded with mystery. Or the opposite: you run headfirst into a physical relationship, then realize later on your boundaries or desires don’t actually align.

For me—and for a lot of folks I coach—here’s the sweet spot: have a preliminary conversation somewhere between the moment you feel things might get physical and before they actually do. Sometimes this is after the first heated makeout session. Sometimes it’s after you both agree you’d like to see where things go. Leaving it until after sex almost always means you’re playing catch-up, which rarely feels great.

Breaching the Topic: It Really Can Be Casual

I used to believe that any conversation about sex had to be super serious, possibly involving ill-timed jokes about “staying safe.” But the more I practice, the more I’ve learned that opening up can actually be pretty light. A simple “Hey, I really like where things are going, and I want to talk about what feels good for both of us before we go any further,” has never once ruined a good thing for me.

If you need a little more, here are a few gentle starters:

• “Can I ask how you like to take things with someone new?”
• “What feels comfortable for you pace-wise?”
• “Are there any boundaries or deal-breakers you want me to know about?”

These prompts don’t sound like an interrogation. They invite honesty, but also show you care about making your partner feel safe and heard.

Honesty Is Sexy (Even If It’s Nerve-Wracking)

It can be so tempting to fudge things a little, especially if you’re really into this new person. Maybe you blur the edges on past experiences, or you tiptoe around boundaries because you want to seem more adventurous or “chill.” But in my own life, the most magnetic sexual connections always started when I showed up as myself—awkwardness and all.

Here’s the thing: hiding your needs or limits is a fast track to resentment. It might seem easier at first, but vague expectations create confusion and tension. I learned that the hard way, feeling disappointed or panicked when things went down paths I never signed up for, all because I didn’t want to “ruin the vibe.”

Your boundaries and desires are part of what make you, you. Sharing that, even if it feels scary, is a powerful act of intimacy.

Tuning In To Each Other

One thing I wish someone had told me earlier: the sex talk isn’t a one-off event that you cross off the checklist. In loving relationships, it becomes a gentle, recurring conversation. Some of the best partners I’ve had were the ones who’d check in after, or ask what I liked. With them, I could be honest about what wasn’t working—and celebrate what was.

It’s a little like learning a dance together. Sometimes you stumble, sometimes you step on each other’s toes, but the best connections come when you agree to keep moving, checking in, laughing, and letting yourselves get better as you go.

What If It Goes Awkward? (Spoiler: It Probably Will, and That's Okay.)

If opening up about sex with a new partner feels weird—guess what? That’s normal. Vulnerability and new territory always comes with a dose of awkward. You might say the wrong thing. You might get embarrassed. Both of you might be nervous. Real talk: I’ve absolutely blushed, tripped over my words, or said too much. But every time, I found that naming my anxiety opened the door to an even closer connection.

If your partner isn’t receptive, or if you feel dismissed in the conversation, that’s valuable information. It’s often a sign to slow down, revisit boundaries, or even reconsider whether your needs will really be honored.

Final Thoughts: Sexual Honesty Is a Love Language

If you take anything from this, let it be this: talking about sex early on isn’t about “killing the mystery” or making things clinical. It’s about being brave enough to show up for yourself, and for your partner, from the very beginning.

Every relationship you start is a chance to rewrite the script—where honesty and curiosity trump guessing games and crossed fingers. And in doing that, you might find that the most electrifying chemistry of all comes from being real.

So go ahead. Next time you feel those butterflies, try putting honesty on the table, right next to the wine glasses and first-date takeout. You deserve it.